Well, I did it. Encouraged by the thoughtful blogginess of my daily internet friends, here is installment one of Mom: Version 2.0. I'm still not satisfied with the title, but it was either that or procrastinate yet another day. So here it is. But what is it?
Mom: Research and Development Stage (circa 1989-1997)Highlights: Finishes college with a bachelor's degree in journalism. Finds first job. Finds first apartment. Finds first potential mate. Finds second apartment and first roommate (NOT the potential mate!). Quits first job. Enrolls in graduate school with potential mate. Finds first rental house (WITH potential mate, oh the shame!). Gets first marriage proposal. Marries potential mate. Agrees with mate that children sound like a bad idea, causing great internal anguish for potential grandparents. Finishes graduate school. Finds second job. Buys first new car. Finds second rental house. Buys first house. Starts to get Christmas cards from friends featuring adorable photos of offspring. Enjoys life of sleeping late, going out without luggage, and presence of disposable income. Interacts occasionally with adorable offspring of friends and begins to wonder: "If they can do it, certainly we can handle it too. Right?"
Mom: Beta Version (circa 1997-1999)Somehow decides with mate that perhaps offspring production should be added to the agenda. Visits doctor to determine readiness of offspring manufacturing facilities and upload additional virus protection. Ceases anti-offspring production protocols. Continues to enjoy sleeping late, going out without luggage, and presence of disposable income.
Achieves offspring initiation in fourth quarter of 1998, resulting in weight gain, hydration retention, and extreme aversion to fried chicken. Reads all available literature starting with the keywords "What to expect when..." Prepares to temporarily separate from employment. Discovers joys and pains of shopping at stores featuring dyslexic consonants. Decorates nursery upon completion of sonogram and
very obvious identification of offspring as male. Completes gestation period in the third quarter of 1999, but realizes that product documentation will not be provided for current model. Freaks out after unplanned caesarean section delivery and subsequent administration of i.v. narcotics.
Advanced field testing of beta version commences when Mom is forced to leave the hospital WITH the offspring (and WITHOUT the manual!) and continue offspring development at home. Lactation ensues, followed closely by offspring defecation and vertical expectoration. Enjoys sleeping sitting straight up while trying to breastfeed, leaving the house with at least three oversized baby accessories per outing, and disposable diapers.
Coming soon: Mom: Version 1.0, featuring multitasking capabilities, illness panic button, and upgraded heart drive.
